{"id":2200,"date":"2020-11-10T18:23:19","date_gmt":"2020-11-10T23:23:19","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/?p=2200"},"modified":"2023-12-12T16:51:28","modified_gmt":"2023-12-12T21:51:28","slug":"watching-my-son-watch-kamala-harris","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/watching-my-son-watch-kamala-harris\/","title":{"rendered":"Watching My Son Watch Kamala Harris"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><button id=\"listenButton1\" class=\"responsivevoice-button\" type=\"button\" value=\"Play\" title=\"ResponsiveVoice Tap to Start\/Stop Speech\"><span>&#128266; Listen to this article<\/span><\/button>\n        <script>\n            listenButton1.onclick = function(){\n                if(responsiveVoice.isPlaying()){\n                    responsiveVoice.cancel();\n                }else{\n                    responsiveVoice.speak(\"\u201cMom, is there such a thing as a Black man?\u201d my son asked. \u201cWhat?\u201d I said, \u201cWhat do you mean by that?\u201d \u201cThe Vice President said there\u2019s such a thing as Black women. But is there such a\u00a0 thing as Black men too?\u201d\u00a0 On Saturday night, after a campfire and a long conversation about shooting stars, I curled up in my tent with my seven-year-old, hoping he would fall asleep fast and I could watch CNN on my phone. He didn\u2019t, so I almost immediately gave in. \u201cHey, we found out who is going to be the next president, and that person is going to give a speech in a few minutes. Do you want to watch it with me, or do you want me to use my headphones so you can go to sleep?\u201d Clearly, he chose screen time. In general, my husband and I don\u2019t talk politics around him. He learned about Donald Trump from his friends and he always goes to vote with us, but otherwise he is blissfully unaware. Let me stop here and say that I know that\u2019s a privilege. Sheltering your children from what you don\u2019t want them to know is a privilege of being white and middle class.\u00a0 I keep my son sheltered from political discussion because I think that politics is grown-up stuff. In part, it\u2019s also because I was an anxious child, and I want to spare my son the anxiety of knowing about big, scary problems he is too young to solve. I used to have nightmares about NAFTA when I was ten. Also, to name the elephant in the room, I was nervous about letting him watch those speeches because I knew they\u2019d talk about gender and race.\u00a0 See, here\u2019s the clincher: we\u2019ve never talked about race. We\u2019ve talked about skin color but only a little and only when it\u2019s a necessary descriptor. Mostly, my son is the kind of kid who describes people as \u2018tall, with red shoes and a snappy attitude\u2019 but rarely ever mentions their skin. It\u2019s not that he doesn\u2019t see it but that it has no meaning for him. He has no idea that people might call him \u2018white,\u2019 and until he heard Senator Harris say it, he had no idea that people might call themselves \u2018Black\u2019 either, despite a lifetime surrounded by people of color. He sees all people as shades of brown.\u00a0 I have raised my son without racial labels. People come in all sorts of bodies. The end. I tried to raise him without gender labels too, but the world took over. Much of that parenting was informed by one pivotal and, I still think, wonderful book that I read when my son was still a toddler: Parenting Beyond Pink & Blue: How to Raise Your Kids Free of Gender Stereotypes by Christia Spears Brown. In essence, Brown says, as soon as we label something and separate it into groups, our brains start ranking them. We start to believe our in-groups are better than our out-groups. We\u2019re more likely to help people who are part of our in-group and more likely to believe social stereotypes about our out-groups, even when they don\u2019t line up with our experience.\u00a0 As Brown explains it, children latch on to whatever categories the grown-ups are using, including race, gender, height, size, ability, and etc., even if the group is based only on the color of t-shirts. My mom and I are on the red team? Ok, that must be the best one! The opposite is true as well; \u201cIf the adults ignored the groups, even when there were very visible differences, children ignored the groups too.\u201d\u00a0 So, I ignore race and gender in my language. I do not say \u2018that little girl\u2019 just as I would not say \u2018that Black child.\u2019 Instead, I say \u2018that kid who sits across from you\u2019 or \u2018the child in the story,\u2019 and I feel a flash of emotion every time his teacher says \u2018boys and girls\u2019 instead of \u2018children.\u2019 The difference is, we talk a lot about gender. We talk about sexuality too. He knows that gender is not binary, that you can love anyone you want to love, and that it\u2019s wrong to assume you know a person\u2019s identity just because of the way they look, act, sound, or dress. As a boy with long hair who loves cats and glitter, he has already experienced his full share of misgendering.\u00a0 Watching Senator Harris in her victory speech, he seemed genuinely surprised to learn that she would be the first woman Vice President. \u201cHas a woman ever been President though?\u201d \u201cNope.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cBut you mean just in America, right? Because I know there are women presidents all over the world.\u201d \u201cYep.\u201d\u00a0 We talked about First Ladies too, and he was shocked to hear that none of the former Presidents has ever been married to a man. He genuinely believes that everyone has equal chances. I love that about him, but I know it needs to change. I know I need to change it. I know it has just started changing. We talk about gender and sexuality but we don\u2019t talk about race.\u00a0 In raising my child to be free of stereotypes, to believe that every person has equal value, I have also convinced him that every person has equal opportunities as well. I have left him without the language he needs to respect identity, to acknowledge historic and existing systemic inequities, and to examine his own unconscious biases. Jennifer Elberhardt says it beautifully in her essay for LitHub, where she basically sees right through to my soul: \u201cWhen we\u2019re afraid, unwilling, or ill equipped to talk about race, we leave young people to their own devices to make sense of the conflicts and disparities they see.\u201d In essence, I took the easy way out. Research involving this sort of blindness is overwhelmingly clear: refusing to acknowledge race or gender perpetuates systemic inequality. Even a decade ago, Tolerance Magazine was calling colorblindness a new form of racism through which \u201cfolks who enjoy racial privilege are closing their eyes to the experiences of others.\u201d The support is ubiquitous. A study from Ohio State even breaks down \u201cthe four types of color blindness,\u201d including the low prejudice, high awareness type of which I am guilty.\u00a0 When he was three and four, it felt like the right thing to do but the truth is, I knew better. I didn\u2019t have the words to explain race and racism, so I ignored them instead.\u00a0 As someone who works in DEI, I feel embarrassed and ashamed to admit that.\u00a0 The good news is, he\u2019s only seven and now I know what to say. In fact, there are a huge number of resources teaching me how to have these conversations, a few of which are attached below. Perhaps this is the beginning of my son\u2019s long journey toward understanding unconscious bias, privilege, and equity. I hope he will learn to use his own behavior, power, words, and convictions to create a world that looks more like the one he already thought existed. I know that\u2019s quite a marathon to ask for, but I am grateful for the starting line.\u00a0 Senator Harris, thank you for shaking us up. As you said on Saturday, now is when the good and necessary work begins. Resources Celebrating Skin Tone by Katharine Johnson When Colorblind Parenting Meets Anti-racism by Zeresenay Alemseged Raising Race Conscious Children by Beata Mostafavi Talking to Children About Racial Bias by Ashaunta Anderson and Jacqueline Douge Unconscious Bias - The Secret Disruptor course by The Diversity Movement\", \"US English Male\");\n                }\n            };\n        <\/script>\n     <\/br><br \/>\n<i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cMom, is there such a thing as a Black man?\u201d my son asked. \u201cWhat?\u201d I said, \u201cWhat do you mean by that?\u201d \u201cThe Vice President said there\u2019s such a thing as Black women. But is there such a\u00a0 thing as Black men too?\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">On Saturday night, after a campfire and a long conversation about shooting stars, I curled up in my tent with my seven-year-old, hoping he would fall asleep fast and I could watch CNN on my phone. He didn\u2019t, so I almost immediately gave in. \u201cHey, we found out who is going to be the next president, and that person is going to give a speech in a few minutes. Do you want to watch it with me, or do you want me to use my headphones so you can go to sleep?\u201d Clearly, he chose screen time.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In general, my husband and I don\u2019t talk politics around him. He learned about Donald Trump from his friends and he always goes to vote with us, but otherwise he is blissfully unaware. Let me stop here and say that I know that\u2019s a privilege. <\/span><b>Sheltering your children from what you don\u2019t want them to know is a privilege of being white and middle class.\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/library\/%20\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-8876 size-large lazyload\" data-src=\"https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/NEW-TDM-Library-Display-Ad_Large-A-1024x341.png\" alt=\"TDM Library: your one-stop-shop for update, expert DEI Resources. Explore the platform with a free trial. Click here to learn more.\" width=\"1024\" height=\"341\" data-srcset=\"https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/NEW-TDM-Library-Display-Ad_Large-A-1024x341.png 1024w, https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/NEW-TDM-Library-Display-Ad_Large-A-600x200.png 600w, https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/NEW-TDM-Library-Display-Ad_Large-A-300x100.png 300w, https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/NEW-TDM-Library-Display-Ad_Large-A-768x256.png 768w, https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/04\/NEW-TDM-Library-Display-Ad_Large-A.png 1200w\" data-sizes=\"(max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" src=\"data:image\/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMSIgaGVpZ2h0PSIxIiB4bWxucz0iaHR0cDovL3d3dy53My5vcmcvMjAwMC9zdmciPjwvc3ZnPg==\" style=\"--smush-placeholder-width: 1024px; --smush-placeholder-aspect-ratio: 1024\/341;\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I keep my son sheltered from political discussion because I think that politics is grown-up stuff. In part, it\u2019s also because I was an anxious child, and I want to spare my son the anxiety of knowing about big, scary problems he is too young to solve. I used to have nightmares about NAFTA when I was ten. Also, to name the elephant in the room, <\/span><b>I was nervous about letting him watch those speeches because I knew they\u2019d talk about gender and race.\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">See, here\u2019s the clincher: we\u2019ve never talked about race. We\u2019ve talked about skin color but only a little and only when it\u2019s a necessary descriptor. Mostly, my son is the kind of kid who describes people as \u2018tall, with red shoes and a snappy attitude\u2019 but rarely ever mentions their skin. It\u2019s not that he doesn\u2019t see it but that it has no meaning for him. He has no idea that people might call him \u2018white,\u2019 and until he heard Senator Harris say it, he had no idea that people might call themselves \u2018Black\u2019 either, despite a lifetime surrounded by people of color. He sees all people as shades of brown.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>I have raised my son without racial labels.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> People come in all sorts of bodies. The end.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">I tried to raise him without gender labels too, but the world took over. Much of that parenting was informed by one pivotal and, I still think, wonderful book that I read when my son was still a toddler: <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.penguinrandomhouse.com\/books\/224618\/parenting-beyond-pink-and-blue-by-christia-spears-brown-phd\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Parenting Beyond Pink &amp; Blue: How to Raise Your Kids Free of Gender Stereotypes<\/span><\/i><\/a> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">by Christia Spears Brown. In essence, Brown says, as soon as we label something and separate it into groups, our brains start ranking them. We start to believe our in-groups are better than our out-groups. We\u2019re more likely to help people who are part of our in-group and more likely to believe social stereotypes about our out-groups, even when they don\u2019t line up with our experience.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">As Brown explains it, children latch on to whatever categories the grown-ups are using, including race, gender, height, size, ability, and etc., even if the group is based only on the color of t-shirts. My mom and I are on the red team? Ok, that must be the best one! The opposite is true as well; \u201cIf the adults ignored the groups, even when there were very visible differences, children ignored the groups too.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>So, I ignore race and gender in my language.<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> I do not say \u2018that little girl\u2019 just as I would not say \u2018that Black child.\u2019 Instead, I say \u2018that kid who sits across from you\u2019 or \u2018the child in the story,\u2019 and I feel a flash of emotion every time his teacher says \u2018boys and girls\u2019 instead of \u2018children.\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The difference is, we talk a lot about gender. We talk about sexuality too. He knows that gender is not binary, that you can love anyone you want to love, and that it\u2019s wrong to assume you know a person\u2019s identity just because of the way they look, act, sound, or dress. As a boy with long hair who loves cats and glitter, he has already experienced his full share of misgendering.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Watching Senator Harris in her victory speech, he seemed genuinely surprised to learn that she would be the first woman Vice President. \u201cHas a woman ever been President though?\u201d \u201cNope.\u201d\u00a0 \u201cBut you mean just in America, right? Because I know there are women presidents all over the world.\u201d \u201cYep.\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">We talked about First Ladies too, and he was shocked to hear that none of the former Presidents has ever been married to a man. He genuinely believes that everyone has equal chances. I love that about him, but I know it needs to change. I know I need to change it. I know it has just started changing.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>We talk about gender and sexuality but we don\u2019t talk about race.\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In raising my child to be free of stereotypes, to believe that every person has equal value, I have also convinced him that every person has equal opportunities as well. I have left him without the language he needs to respect identity, to acknowledge historic and existing systemic inequities, and to examine his own unconscious biases. <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/lithub.com\/science-the-colorblind-approach-to-racism-doesnt-work\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Jennifer Elberhardt<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> says it beautifully in her essay for LitHub, where she basically sees right through to my soul: \u201c<\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When we\u2019re afraid, unwilling, or ill equipped to talk about race, we leave young people to their own devices to make sense of the conflicts and disparities they see.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>In essence, I took the easy way out.<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Research involving this sort of blindness is overwhelmingly clear: refusing to acknowledge race or gender perpetuates systemic inequality. Even a decade ago, <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.tolerance.org\/magazine\/fall-2009\/colorblindness-the-new-racism\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tolerance Magazine<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> was calling colorblindness a new form of racism through which <\/span><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cfolks who enjoy racial privilege are closing their eyes to the experiences of others.\u201d The support is ubiquitous. A study from <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/insights.osu.edu\/life\/racial-colorblindness\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Ohio State<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> even breaks down \u201cthe four types of color blindness,\u201d including the low prejudice, high awareness type of which I am guilty.\u00a0 When he was three and four, it felt like the right thing to do but the truth is, I knew better. I didn\u2019t have the words to explain race and racism, so I ignored them instead.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>As someone who works in DEI, I feel embarrassed and ashamed to admit that.\u00a0<\/b><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The good news is, he\u2019s only seven and now I know what to say. In fact, there are a huge number of resources teaching me how to have these conversations, a few of which are attached below. Perhaps this is the beginning of my son\u2019s long journey toward understanding unconscious bias, privilege, and equity. I hope he will learn to use his own behavior, power, words, and convictions to create a world that looks more like the one he already thought existed. I know that\u2019s quite a marathon to ask for, but I am grateful for the starting line.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.washingtonpost.com\/politics\/2020\/11\/07\/kamala-harris-victory-speech-transcript\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Senator Harris<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">, thank you for shaking us up. As you said on Saturday, now is when the good and necessary work begins.<\/span><\/p>\n<h3>Resources<\/h3>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/rethinkingschools.org\/articles\/celebrating-skin-tone\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Celebrating Skin Tone<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> by Katharine Johnson<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.sapiens.org\/biology\/colorblind-parenting\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">When Colorblind Parenting Meets Anti-racism<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> by Zeresenay Alemseged<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/healthblog.uofmhealth.org\/childrens-health\/raising-race-conscious-children-how-to-talk-to-kids-about-race-and-racism\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Raising Race Conscious Children<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> by Beata Mostafavi<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/www.healthychildren.org\/English\/healthy-living\/emotional-wellness\/Building-Resilience\/Pages\/Talking-to-Children-About-Racial-Bias.aspx\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Talking to Children About Racial Bias <\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">by Ashaunta Anderson and Jacqueline Douge<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/unconscious-bias-the-secret-disrupter\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener noreferrer\">Unconscious Bias &#8211; The Secret Disruptor<\/a> course by The Diversity Movement<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/library\/%20\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-large wp-image-8041 lazyload\" data-src=\"https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/TDM-Library-Footer-Ad-A-1024x85.png\" alt=\"Display ad for TDM Library. Text says &quot;Find more content like this in TDM Library. Start my free trial&quot;\" width=\"1024\" height=\"85\" data-srcset=\"https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/TDM-Library-Footer-Ad-A-1024x85.png 1024w, https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/TDM-Library-Footer-Ad-A-600x50.png 600w, https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/TDM-Library-Footer-Ad-A-300x25.png 300w, https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/TDM-Library-Footer-Ad-A-768x64.png 768w, https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/TDM-Library-Footer-Ad-A.png 1200w\" data-sizes=\"(max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" src=\"data:image\/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMSIgaGVpZ2h0PSIxIiB4bWxucz0iaHR0cDovL3d3dy53My5vcmcvMjAwMC9zdmciPjwvc3ZnPg==\" style=\"--smush-placeholder-width: 1024px; --smush-placeholder-aspect-ratio: 1024\/85;\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>\u201cMom, is there such a thing as a Black man?\u201d my son asked. \u201cWhat?\u201d I said, \u201cWhat do you mean by that?\u201d \u201cThe Vice President said there\u2019s such a thing15<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":2210,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[5],"tags":[109,79,76],"tdm_type":[92],"class_list":["post-2200","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-blogs","tag-gender","tag-personal-stories","tag-race","tdm_type-articles"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v25.5 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Watching My Son Watch Kamala Harris - The Diversity Movement<\/title>\n<meta name=\"description\" content=\"Research involving this sort of blindness is overwhelmingly clear: refusing to acknowledge race or gender perpetuates systemic inequality.\" \/>\n<meta name=\"robots\" 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