{"id":6036,"date":"2022-04-19T12:20:54","date_gmt":"2022-04-19T16:20:54","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/?p=6036"},"modified":"2023-12-11T16:50:13","modified_gmt":"2023-12-11T21:50:13","slug":"sir-maam-mr-mrs-ms-mx-what-to-do-when-you-dont-know-someones-gender","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/sir-maam-mr-mrs-ms-mx-what-to-do-when-you-dont-know-someones-gender\/","title":{"rendered":"Can I Still Use Sir and Ma\u2019am? When Should I Use Mr., Mrs., Ms., or Mx? What to Do When You Don\u2019t Know Someone\u2019s Gender"},"content":{"rendered":"<p><button id=\"listenButton1\" class=\"responsivevoice-button\" type=\"button\" value=\"Play\" title=\"ResponsiveVoice Tap to Start\/Stop Speech\"><span>&#128266; Listen to this article<\/span><\/button>\n        <script>\n            listenButton1.onclick = function(){\n                if(responsiveVoice.isPlaying()){\n                    responsiveVoice.cancel();\n                }else{\n                    responsiveVoice.speak(\"This article is part of a series focusing on inclusive language. Learn more by visiting theinclusivelanguagehandbook.com. For years, the traditional business communication advice has been to use \u201cMr.\u201d for a man and \u201cMs.\u201d for a woman. However, now we know that those forms of address aren\u2019t fully inclusive because they don\u2019t include people outside the binary categories \u201cman\u201d or \u201cwoman.\u201d Even the recent addition of \u201cMx.,\u201d for someone who is nonbinary or genderfluid, doesn\u2019t actually solve the problem, and for many people, it feels inauthentic and uncomfortable. Asking which courtesy title \u2013 or honorific \u2013 the person uses is a best practice, just like asking a person\u2019s pronouns. But what if you don\u2019t know the gender of the person you are addressing \u2013 either because you are writing an email or making a cold call? Some writers choose to exclude honorifics entirely and address everyone by their first name. But in some cases, that too seems inadequate, largely because using these titles is a way to honor the other person\u2019s dignity. When someone who is trying to earn my business calls me \u201cMs. Keister,\u201d\u00a0 for instance, I feel respected and valued. I feel differently when they address me as just \u201cAmber.\u201d \u201cThere are lots of feelings associated with these gendered honorifics, because people feel they\u2019re so inherently tied to respect,\u201d says Dr. Dana Riger, Clinical Assistant Professor of Human Development & Family Studies at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.\u00a0 Sidney Poitier as police detective Virgil Tibbs eloquently demonstrates the emotional weight of courtesy titles in the classic 1967 film In the Heat of the Night. Tibbs is taunted about his first name by small-town Mississippi police chief Bill Gillespie, who says: \u201cThat\u2019s a funny name for a [\u2026] boy that comes from Philadelphia! What do they call you up there?\u201d and Tibbs angrily responds: \u201cThey call me Mister Tibbs!\u201d\u00a0 By demanding the courtesy title and the respectful treatment he deserves, Poitier\u2019s character pushes back against the systemic racism of the time. The scene especially resonated with Black audiences, who were often denied the dignity signaled by the honorific. There are still many people who consider using a person\u2019s first name without their permission to be a microaggression. Luckily, there\u2019s nothing wrong with using Mr., Mrs., Ms., or Mx., so long as it\u2019s consistent with someone\u2019s stated gender identity. On a cold call, greeting someone with their full name is usually appropriate, followed perhaps by \u201cDo you mind if I call you [FIRST NAME]?\u201d After this question, people will generally tell you how they wish to be addressed. Written correspondence is a bit more tricky. \u201cHello\u201d is a fine way to begin a casual note, but when that level of informality would be offensive, Riger suggests a quick online search for which pronouns a person uses. LinkedIn or company bios are great places to find that information. You are likely to be safe using Mr. for someone who uses he\/him\/his, Ms. for someone using she\/her\/hers, and Mx. for someone using they\/them\/theirs.\u00a0 \u201cThe practice of identifying your pronouns either in your signature or in your profile helps normalize the sharing of those things, so you don\\'t have to guess which pronoun someone uses,\u201d Riger says.\u00a0 For the most inclusive honorific, Riger agrees with the syndicated advice column \u201cMiss Manners,\u201d which suggests addressing unknown persons with the abbreviated M., as the French often do. The genderless courtesy title makes no assumptions, and it can be used in formal business correspondence where first names may not be needed or desired.\u00a0 Professions like academia, healthcare, and government sidestep the gender dilemma entirely with titles like Doctor, Professor, Governor, or Senator. This practice of using professional titles can also be used in written correspondence. For example, in a job application, \u201cDear hiring manager\u201d or \u201cDear search committee\u201d can replace the outdated and clunky \u201cDear sir or madam\u201d or the standoffish \u201cTo whom it may concern.\u201d The real challenge is with \u201cma\u2019am\u201d and \u201csir.\u201d If you work in customer service or were taught as a child to respond to adults with \u201cYes, ma\u2019am\u201d and \u201cThank you, sir,\u201d like many of us raised in or transplanted to the South, it\u2019s difficult to stop using these terms.\u00a0 \u201cBecause you grow up saying, \u2018Hello ma\u2019am\u2019 or \u2018Thank you, sir,\u2019 not saying that feels like there\u2019s something missing,\u201d Riger says.\u00a0 To break the habit, she suggests coming up with responses that fill the now-empty space where your brain wants to put gendered forms of address. Instead of saying, \u201cThank you, sir,\u201d you can say, \u201cThank you so much. Have a great day.\u201d Or instead of saying, \u201cYes, ma\u2019am,\u201d say, \u201cYes, indeed.\u201d \u201cIf we\u2019re going to change the culture around gender assumptions or inclusivity, there are going to be some growing pains,\u201d she says. \u201cIt\u2019s okay to feel like, \u2018It doesn\\'t really feel right,\u2019 or \u2018It doesn\u2019t feel like it should.\u2019\u201d The key takeaways are to be mindful and respectful, do some research, ask the other person how they wish to be addressed, and welcome any corrections with grace. \u201cLanguage is fluid, and it\u2019s constantly evolving,\u201d Riger says. \u201cIt\u2019s really important when anybody\u2019s having discussions around gender inclusivity, just be open to the idea of change and learning and growth.\u201d Learn more by ordering The Diversity Movement\u2019s first full-length book: The Inclusive Language Handbook: A Guide to Better Communication and Transformational Leadership and by watching our related webinar: The Word Choice Workshop: Inclusive Language Tips for Everyday Business.\u00a0 Amber Keister is a Content Writer and Editor at The Diversity Movement. She has spent more than 20 years as a journalist for publications throughout the South. Connect with her on Linkedin.\", \"US English Male\");\n                }\n            };\n        <\/script>\n    <\/br><br \/>\n<i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">This article is part of a series focusing on inclusive language. Learn more by visiting <a href=\"https:\/\/theinclusivelanguagehandbook.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\">theinclusivelanguagehandbook.com<\/a>.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">For years, the traditional business communication advice has been to use \u201cMr.\u201d for a man and \u201cMs.\u201d for a woman. However, now we know that those forms of address aren\u2019t fully inclusive because they don\u2019t include people outside the binary categories \u201cman\u201d or \u201cwoman.\u201d Even the recent addition of \u201cMx.,\u201d for someone who is nonbinary or genderfluid, doesn\u2019t actually solve the problem, and for many people, it feels inauthentic and uncomfortable.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Asking which courtesy title \u2013 or honorific \u2013 the person uses is a best practice, just like asking a person\u2019s pronouns. But what if you don\u2019t know the gender of the person you are addressing \u2013 either because you are writing an email or making a cold call?<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/library\/%20\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone wp-image-8874 size-large lazyload\" data-src=\"https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/05\/NEW-TDM-Library-Display-Ad_Large-B-1024x341.png\" alt=\"TDM Library. Your one-stop-shop for update DEI Resources. Explore with a free trial. Click here to learn more.\" width=\"1024\" height=\"341\" data-srcset=\"https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/05\/NEW-TDM-Library-Display-Ad_Large-B-1024x341.png 1024w, https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/05\/NEW-TDM-Library-Display-Ad_Large-B-600x200.png 600w, https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/05\/NEW-TDM-Library-Display-Ad_Large-B-300x100.png 300w, https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/05\/NEW-TDM-Library-Display-Ad_Large-B-768x256.png 768w, https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/05\/NEW-TDM-Library-Display-Ad_Large-B.png 1200w\" data-sizes=\"(max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" src=\"data:image\/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMSIgaGVpZ2h0PSIxIiB4bWxucz0iaHR0cDovL3d3dy53My5vcmcvMjAwMC9zdmciPjwvc3ZnPg==\" style=\"--smush-placeholder-width: 1024px; --smush-placeholder-aspect-ratio: 1024\/341;\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Some writers choose to exclude honorifics entirely and address everyone by their first name. But in some cases, that too seems inadequate, largely because using these titles is a way to honor the other person\u2019s dignity. When someone who is trying to earn my business calls me \u201cMs. Keister,\u201d\u00a0 for instance, I feel respected and valued. I feel differently when they address me as just \u201cAmber.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>\u201cThere are lots of feelings associated with these gendered honorifics,<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> because people feel they\u2019re so inherently tied to respect,\u201d says Dr. Dana Riger, Clinical Assistant Professor of Human Development &amp; Family Studies at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/sidney-poitier-remembering-an-icon\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Sidney Poitier<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> as police detective Virgil Tibbs eloquently demonstrates the emotional weight of courtesy titles in the classic 1967 film <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=0sMBs9t8FAA\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">In the Heat of the Night.<\/span><\/i> <\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Tibbs is taunted about his first name by small-town Mississippi police chief Bill Gillespie, who says: \u201cThat\u2019s a funny name for a [\u2026] boy that comes from Philadelphia! What do they call you up there?\u201d and Tibbs angrily responds: \u201cThey call me <\/span><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Mister<\/span><\/i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> Tibbs!\u201d\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">By demanding the courtesy title and the respectful treatment he deserves, Poitier\u2019s character <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/faroutmagazine.co.uk\/in-the-heat-of-the-night-sidney-poitier-stand-against-racism\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">pushes back against the systemic racism of the time<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">. The scene especially resonated with Black audiences, who were often denied the dignity signaled by the honorific. There are still many people who consider using a person\u2019s first name without their permission to be a microaggression.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/theinclusivelanguagehandbook.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"aligncenter wp-image-6166 size-full lazyload\" data-src=\"https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/TILH-Ad.png\" alt=\"ad featuring the inclusive language handbook cover\" width=\"1200\" height=\"400\" data-srcset=\"https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/TILH-Ad.png 1200w, https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/TILH-Ad-600x200.png 600w, https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/TILH-Ad-300x100.png 300w, https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/TILH-Ad-1024x341.png 1024w, https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/09\/TILH-Ad-768x256.png 768w\" data-sizes=\"(max-width: 1200px) 100vw, 1200px\" src=\"data:image\/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMSIgaGVpZ2h0PSIxIiB4bWxucz0iaHR0cDovL3d3dy53My5vcmcvMjAwMC9zdmciPjwvc3ZnPg==\" style=\"--smush-placeholder-width: 1200px; --smush-placeholder-aspect-ratio: 1200\/400;\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p><strong>Luckily, there\u2019s nothing wrong with using Mr., Mrs., Ms., or Mx., so long as it\u2019s consistent with someone\u2019s stated gender identity.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">On a cold call, greeting someone with their full name is usually appropriate, followed perhaps by \u201cDo you mind if I call you [FIRST NAME]?\u201d After this question, people will generally tell you how they wish to be addressed.<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Written correspondence is a bit more tricky. \u201cHello\u201d is a fine way to begin a casual note, but when that level of informality would be offensive, Riger suggests a quick online search for which pronouns a person uses. LinkedIn or company bios are great places to find that information. You are likely to be safe using Mr. for someone who uses he\/him\/his, Ms. for someone using she\/her\/hers, and Mx. for someone using they\/them\/theirs.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cThe practice of identifying your pronouns either in your signature or in your profile helps normalize the sharing of those things, so you don&#8217;t have to guess which pronoun someone uses,\u201d Riger says.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">For the most inclusive honorific, Riger agrees with the syndicated advice column <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.washingtonpost.com\/lifestyle\/advice\/miss-manners-gender-neutral-honorific-mx-enters-the-arena\/2020\/02\/23\/d85d6398-4c4a-11ea-bf44-f5043eb3918a_story.html\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cMiss Manners,\u201d<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> which suggests addressing unknown persons with the abbreviated M., as the French often do. The genderless courtesy title makes no assumptions, and it can be used in formal business correspondence where first names may not be needed or desired.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Professions like academia, healthcare, and government sidestep the gender dilemma entirely with titles like Doctor, Professor, Governor, or Senator. This practice of using professional titles can also be used in written correspondence. For example, in a job application, \u201cDear hiring manager\u201d or \u201cDear search committee\u201d can replace the outdated and clunky \u201cDear sir or madam\u201d or the standoffish \u201cTo whom it may concern.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><b>The real challenge is with \u201cma\u2019am\u201d and \u201csir.\u201d<\/b><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> If you work in customer service or were taught as a child to respond to adults with \u201cYes, ma\u2019am\u201d and \u201cThank you, sir,\u201d like many of us raised in or transplanted to the South, it\u2019s difficult to stop using these terms.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cBecause you grow up saying, \u2018Hello ma\u2019am\u2019 or \u2018Thank you, sir,\u2019 not saying that feels like there\u2019s something missing,\u201d Riger says.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">To break the habit, she suggests coming up with responses that fill the now-empty space where your brain wants to put gendered forms of address. Instead of saying, \u201cThank you, sir,\u201d you can say, \u201cThank you so much. Have a great day.\u201d Or instead of saying, \u201cYes, ma\u2019am,\u201d say, \u201cYes, indeed.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cIf we\u2019re going to change the culture around gender assumptions or inclusivity, there are going to be some growing pains,\u201d she says. \u201cIt\u2019s okay to feel like, \u2018It doesn&#8217;t really feel right,\u2019 or \u2018It doesn\u2019t feel like it should.\u2019\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><strong>The key takeaways are to be mindful and respectful, do some research, ask the other person how they wish to be addressed, and welcome any corrections with grace.<\/strong><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">\u201cLanguage is fluid, and it\u2019s constantly evolving,\u201d Riger says. \u201cIt\u2019s really important when anybody\u2019s having discussions around gender inclusivity, just be open to the idea of change and learning and growth.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n<p><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Learn more by ordering The Diversity Movement\u2019s first full-length book: <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/theinclusivelanguagehandbook.com\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><i><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The Inclusive Language Handbook: A Guide to Better Communication and Transformational Leadership<\/span><\/i><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\"> and by watching our related webinar: <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/landing.thediversitymovement.com\/word-choice-workshop\/?_ga=2.140525050.997808945.1649326644-1067693820.1649326644\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">The Word Choice Workshop: Inclusive Language Tips for Everyday Business<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.\u00a0<\/span><\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/library\/%20\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><img decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-large wp-image-8047 lazyload\" data-src=\"https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/TDM-Library-Footer-Ad-B-1024x85.png\" alt=\"Display ad for TDM Library. Text says &quot;Find more content like this in TDM Library. Start my free trial&quot;\" width=\"1024\" height=\"85\" data-srcset=\"https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/TDM-Library-Footer-Ad-B-1024x85.png 1024w, https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/TDM-Library-Footer-Ad-B-600x50.png 600w, https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/TDM-Library-Footer-Ad-B-300x25.png 300w, https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/TDM-Library-Footer-Ad-B-768x64.png 768w, https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/03\/TDM-Library-Footer-Ad-B.png 1200w\" data-sizes=\"(max-width: 1024px) 100vw, 1024px\" src=\"data:image\/svg+xml;base64,PHN2ZyB3aWR0aD0iMSIgaGVpZ2h0PSIxIiB4bWxucz0iaHR0cDovL3d3dy53My5vcmcvMjAwMC9zdmciPjwvc3ZnPg==\" style=\"--smush-placeholder-width: 1024px; --smush-placeholder-aspect-ratio: 1024\/85;\" \/><\/a><\/p>\n<p><em><a href=\"https:\/\/thediversitymovement.com\/team\/amber-keister\/\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><b>Amber Keister<\/b><\/a> <span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">is a Content Writer and Editor at The Diversity Movement. She has spent more than 20 years as a journalist for publications throughout the South. Connect with her on <\/span><a href=\"https:\/\/www.linkedin.com\/in\/amberkeister\" target=\"_blank\" rel=\"noopener\"><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">Linkedin<\/span><\/a><span style=\"font-weight: 400;\">.<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>This article is part of a series focusing on inclusive language. Learn more by visiting theinclusivelanguagehandbook.com. For years, the traditional business communication advice has been to use \u201cMr.\u201d for a15<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":6037,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[67,5],"tags":[109,82],"tdm_type":[92],"class_list":["post-6036","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-inclusive-language-communication","category-blogs","tag-gender","tag-lgbtqia","tdm_type-articles"],"acf":[],"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v25.5 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/wordpress\/plugins\/seo\/ -->\n<title>Can I Still Use Sir and Ma\u2019am? When Should I Use Mr., Mrs., Ms., or Mx? 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